I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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