I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
