just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
