Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
