everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
