I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
