if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
