what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
