ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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