you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
