New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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