the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Are my feet made of real feet?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
