I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
