I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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