i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
