Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she woke up with a sticky ear
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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