if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
