No awkward lesbian experiences without me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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