Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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