A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
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I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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