Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
