make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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