nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
