the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
