tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
