What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
BRING THE BAGELS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
