Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
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I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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