There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
