Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
