he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
