just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
