I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
