how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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