You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
