Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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