I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
