Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
