There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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