I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
