You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
