Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
