That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
