I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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