She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
