why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
