Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i came on her dog
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
