Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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