I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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