I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
