Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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