remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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