You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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