my mouth tastes like poor choices
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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