i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
