k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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